A collaborative perspective from Black Swan Group instructors Sandy Hein and Marcella Oakley
When most people think about negotiation skills, parenting rarely comes to mind. But for those of us who've mastered Tactical Empathy® in high-stakes professional situations, we've discovered something profound: these same skills that work in boardrooms and crisis situations can revolutionize how we connect with our children and teenagers.
At the Black Swan Group, we've learned that Tactical Empathy® isn't just about raising well-behaved kids—it's about raising empathetic human beings who can navigate the world with curiosity, understanding, and genuine connection.
As a mother of three daughters and a former high school teacher, I've seen firsthand how dramatically relationships can shift when you make children feel truly heard and understood. My journey with these skills began when my youngest was four, and the transformation in our family dynamic has been remarkable.
The Power of Listening First
I learned this lesson about listening most clearly with my granddaughter. My daughter came to me terrified, saying, "I'm so scared that you're going to see how my daughter acts, and you're basically going to judge me if she acts like a total brat." I told her, "She's not a brat. She's misunderstood."
When they visited, I did something simple yet powerful: I just listened to my granddaughter. I let her say whatever she wanted to say. I let her lead me around the yard, show me what she wanted to show me, and have control over what we did and what we talked about. When it came time for me to rein it in a little bit, I did that in a very simplistic way—by not ordering her around. Because I had taken the time to build trust with her first, the reciprocity kicked in. She felt obligated to cooperate when I needed her to do something for me.
She was an angel that entire weekend. My daughter asked, "What did you do?" I said, "I just listened to her."
Reciprocity Works at Any Age
Here's what I've discovered: reciprocity works no matter what the age is, no matter what the situation is. You have to understand that everyone wants to feel heard and understood. If you take the time, even with your three-year-old, to make them feel heard and understood, they will pause and listen to you when it's time.
But if you just preach, preach, preach—"Do this, do this, do this"—they don't have any reason to trust you or listen to you, nor do they have the desire. Raising children is basically a long game. You get a good return when you properly invest!
The Magic Moments Matter
I see a lot of parents miss magical moments because they're so blasé about things that feel significant to their children. When my daughter came home from preschool talking about "the little brown boy and the little brown girl," I didn't interrupt her or correct her language. I just let her talk. She didn't understand color in people yet—it was just a descriptor for her to keep kids straight in her mind.
If you look at things from their perspective and validate that perspective, they learn that you believe what they say is important. They're more willing to share with you. But if you negate what they say or put a negative spin on it because you're well-lived and know "this might seem magic now, but just wait a couple years," you take the wonder out of things. You also demonstrate to them that you aren’t open to hearing their thoughts without judging them. This leads to them not talking to you.
Remember: kids can read you like a book. They’re still in the intuition phase. Those 20 million bits of information truly speak to them. They trust their guts because they haven’t yet been chastised for doing that. As a responsible parent you should nourish that intuition and lead by example with empathy.
Preparing for the Tough Conversations
When it comes to more challenging conversations—like dealing with bullying—I’ve used C.A.V.I.AA.R.™ to prepare. C.A.V.I.AA.R.™ is our acronym for Curiosity, Accept, Vent, Identify, Accusations Audits and Remember. This is a mindset necessary for every sensitive conversation. Kids who are being bullied are always on the defensive because bullies make them feel like they have to justify their behavior. You have to be able to get around those defenses.
As an Assertive parent, when my daughter was being bullied, my first instinct was to rain down hell fire on some kids and some teachers before I went straight for the principal. I had to stop and take time to vent first so I didn't approach anyone with that chip on my shoulder.
You need to stay curious about where your kids are in the process. Just because you're the parent doesn't mean you understand everything from their perspective. You have to really sit back and gauge where they are and what's happening from their viewpoint before you automatically go preaching about what your perspective is.
Note from Sandy: I'm also planning a future article specifically about using these skills for classroom management and connecting with students—stay tuned for that deep dive into educational applications.
I come to this as both a mother and stepmother, raising kids in a blended family with my husband. Between biological children and stepchildren, I consider them all my babies. What I've learned is that parenting with Tactical Empathy® isn't about creating some pretty picture where everything is wonderful—it's about giving yourself grace and engaging in these skills when it's tough and when it's not.
Kids tend to see the world in a way that's like, "This is my experience, so everybody experiences it this way, because I'm 10, and so everybody must experience this way." Helping a child understand that the world is experienced differently by others is fundamental.
One day, a teacher asked my daughter what it means to be autistic. Her response was profound: "Being autistic means that you see the world differently than others, and you experience the world differently than others."
What struck me most was how she connected that insight to all of our lives. My daughter has Cystic Fibrosis, and she experiences the world differently because of it. Daily treatments, medications, and the invisible challenges that come with CF have infused empathy into her world. It’s taught her that everyone is experiencing something—sometimes visible, sometimes hidden—and that each person’s reality deserves compassion.
I am a board member for the Cystic Fibrosis Foundation and in awe of how it has driven such rapid advancements in medical breakthroughs while also championing the science behind them. At the heart of their success is the ability to connect through Tactical Empathy®—an approach that not fuels advocacy but also inspires innovation. They are a pioneering leader in venture philanthropy, setting the standard for how compassion and strategy together can transform what’s possible in medical research and, ultimately, in the lives of those living with Cystic Fibrosis.
And it’s not just children who need this lesson. As adults, we often forget that other people’s experiences don’t mirror our own. Remembering that truth helps us lead with Tactical Empathy® and engage with one another in a way that builds connection instead of distance.
The Passion Exercise That Rebuilt Our Relationship
I experienced the power of these skills most dramatically with my oldest daughter during her late teenage years. We were really, really struggling with her, and we hadn't spoken for a while. We were on two different sides of the table, seeing life completely differently.
I remember meeting her for lunch in one of these tentative meetings. I was so angry with how she had handled certain things, and I knew she was angry too. Instead of doing all the parent things—trying to relate with her or school her—I leaned into the passion exercise.
She had said something about what she wanted to study, and I said, "It sounds like you're passionate about learning about people." She responded, "Yeah, I really just love it. I love connecting with people." Then I started Labeling and Mirroring her. She started talking to me. My curiosity helped me get past my anger and listen. More importantly, it helped her feel heard.
We weren't talking about the issue, but what we were doing was building trust and connecting again. I was listening to my daughter, who I love very, very deeply. Sometimes it's not about the issue as a parent—it's about just being able to listen again. These skills help us do that.
Looking for the Black Swans
Use our skills to look for the Black Swans with your children. We think we know things about our children, and yet they have so much to tell us about how they're feeling, what they're afraid of, what they're happy about, or what they're into.
In a day where our kids have so much access to technology, we really don't know what's in front of them. Listening to them and letting them tell us about their day helps you catch those Black Swan moments. You might discover, "Oh, maybe I don't want them listening to that podcast" or "Perhaps that's not the content I want them in front of."
You would never know that if you weren't allowing them to just tell you about their day instead of just rebutting and being like, "Uh huh, oh, that's great, Susie."
The Ripple Effect of Love
There's something I learned from my mother's final moments that shapes how I parent. The last words my mother said to me in the hospital, while she was struggling physically and mentally and losing cognitive ability, were "I love you." Nothing else matters more than that ripple effect.
These skills are loving skills. Sure, we use them to make money and in professional settings, but they are also skills on how to speak a language of love if you choose to use them that way. We're all going to be gone in 100 years, but what we're teaching our children—how to communicate with the world, how to love—that's what they'll remember.
Start with C.A.V.I.AA.R.™
C.A.V.I.AA.R.™ stands for Curiosity, Accept, Vent, Identify, Accusations Audit® and Remember. Whether you're a single parent or have a partner, prepare yourself before difficult conversations. In our house, we do something called "30 minutes"—literally finding 30 minutes to sit together and get curious about our assumptions before approaching our children. If you don't have 30 minutes, take 20, or even just 5 minutes to decompress and get your mindset straight.
Understand Your Child's Personality Type
Remember that your kid is not you. If you're an Assertive raising an Analyst, peppering them with questions will shut them down. Labels™ work better with an Analyst, and when they start to talk, you need to shut up and listen because they usually say really deep, personal stuff.
Use Low-Stakes Practice
Use your kids for low-stakes practice with these skills. When you model Tactical Empathy®, they look at the world through that lens, which makes their world a better place.
Create Safe Spaces
Your home should be where your children can express their emotions safely. They should know they can "raise hell" at home if they need to because you've created a safe space for them to vent. They also learn appropriate behavior for interacting with the outside world.
Stay Curious About Their Perspective
Look at everything through their eyes. That lipstick on the coffee cup that annoys you? For your daughter, it's her first magical moment of feeling grown up. That "stupid" thing they're excited to show you? It might seem mundane to you, but it's momentous to them.
Focus on Connection Over Correction
The goal isn't perfect behavior—it's building empathetic human beings who can connect with others. When you make children feel heard and understood, you're teaching them how to extend that same empathy to others.
Parenting with Tactical Empathy® isn't about creating compliant children—it's about raising adults who can navigate relationships with curiosity, understanding, and genuine connection. These skills that serve us in high-stakes negotiations serve us even better in the highest-stakes role we'll ever have: shaping the next generation.
The beautiful truth is that when you listen to a child instead of talking at them constantly, you build their confidence. They realize that what they have to say is important to you, that you care about how the world looks to them, and they start to believe in themselves.
That belief, that empathy, that curiosity—these are the gifts that will serve them long after they've left your home. And they're the same gifts that will keep them coming back, not because they have to, but because they want to share their world with someone who truly sees them.