This week, Marcella continues the conversation Black Swan Instructor Sandy Hein initiated about transforming parent-child relationships with Tactical Empathy®. If you missed it or need a refresher, read it here.
I come to this as both a mother and stepmother, raising kids in a blended family with my husband. Between biological children and stepchildren, I consider them all my babies. What I've learned is that parenting with Tactical Empathy® isn't about creating some pretty picture where everything is wonderful—it's about giving yourself grace and engaging in these skills when it's tough and when it's not.
Teaching Children That Worlds Are Different
Kids tend to see the world in a way that's like, "This is my experience, so everybody experiences it this way, because I'm 10, and so everybody must experience this way." Helping a child understand that the world is experienced differently by others is fundamental.
One day, a teacher asked my daughter what it means to be autistic. Her response was profound: "Being autistic means that you see the world differently than others, and you experience the world differently than others."
What struck me most was how she connected that insight to all of our lives. My daughter has Cystic Fibrosis, and she experiences the world differently because of it. Daily treatments, medications, and the invisible challenges that come with CF have infused empathy into her world. It’s taught her that everyone is experiencing something—sometimes visible, sometimes hidden—and that each person’s reality deserves compassion.
I am a board member for the Cystic Fibrosis Foundation and in awe of how it has driven such rapid advancements in medical breakthroughs while also championing the science behind them. At the heart of their success is the ability to connect through Tactical Empathy®—an approach that not only fuels advocacy but also inspires innovation. They are a pioneering leader in venture philanthropy, setting the standard for how compassion and strategy together can transform what’s possible in medical research and, ultimately, in the lives of those living with Cystic Fibrosis.
And it’s not just children who need this lesson. As adults, we often forget that other people’s experiences don’t mirror our own. Remembering that truth helps us lead with Tactical Empathy® and engage with one another in a way that builds connection instead of distance.
The Passion Exercise That Rebuilt Our Relationship
I experienced the power of these skills most dramatically with my oldest daughter during her late teenage years. We were really, really struggling with her, and we hadn't spoken for a while. We were on two different sides of the table, seeing life completely differently.
I remember meeting her for lunch in one of these tentative meetings. I was so angry with how she had handled certain things, and I knew she was angry too. Instead of doing all the parent things—trying to relate with her or school her—I leaned into the passion exercise.
She had said something about what she wanted to study, and I said, "It sounds like you're passionate about learning about people." She responded, "Yeah, I really just love it. I love connecting with people." Then I started Labeling™ and Mirroring™ her. She started talking to me. My curiosity helped me get past my anger and listen. More importantly, it helped her feel heard.
We weren't talking about the issue, but what we were doing was building trust and connecting again. I was listening to my daughter, who I love very, very deeply. Sometimes it's not about the issue as a parent—it's about just being able to listen again. These skills help us do that.
Looking for the Black Swans
Use our skills to look for the Black Swans with your children. We think we know things about our children, and yet they have so much to tell us about how they're feeling, what they're afraid of, what they're happy about, or what they're into.
In a day where our kids have so much access to technology, we really don't know what's in front of them. Listening to them and letting them tell us about their day helps you catch those Black Swan moments. You might discover, "Oh, maybe I don't want them listening to that podcast" or "Perhaps that's not the content I want them in front of."
You would never know that if you weren't allowing them to just tell you about their day instead of just rebutting and being like, "Uh huh, oh, that's great, Susie."
The Ripple Effect of Love
There's something I learned from my mother's final moments that shapes how I parent. The last words my mother said to me in the hospital, while she was struggling physically and mentally and losing cognitive ability, were "I love you." Nothing else matters more than that ripple effect.
These skills are loving skills. Sure, we use them to make money and in professional settings, but they are also skills on how to speak a language of love if you choose to use them that way. We're all going to be gone in 100 years, but what we're teaching our children—how to communicate with the world, how to love—that's what they'll remember.
This section pulls together final insights from both Black Swan Instructors, Sandy Hein and Marcella Oakley. Click here to read Marcella’s and Sandy’s individual insights.
Start with C.A.V.I.AA.R.™
C.A.V.I.AA.R.™ stands for Curiosity, Accept, Vent, Identify, Accusations Audit and Remember. Whether you're a single parent or have a partner, prepare yourself before difficult conversations. In our house, we do something called "30 minutes"—literally finding 30 minutes to sit together and get curious about our assumptions before approaching our children. If you don't have 30 minutes, take 20, or even justc 5 minutes to decompress and get your mindset straight.
Understand Your Child's Personality Type
Remember that your kid is not you. If you're an Assertive raising an Analyst, peppering them with questions will shut them down. Labels work better with an Analyst, and when they start to talk, you need to shut up and listen because they usually say really deep, personal stuff.
Use Low-Stakes Practice
Use your kids for low-stakes practice with these skills. When you model Tactical Empathy®, they look at the world through that lens, which makes their world a better place.
Create Safe Spaces
Your home should be where your children can express their emotions safely. They should know they can "raise hell" at home if they need to because you've created a safe space for them to vent. They also learn appropriate behavior for interacting with the outside world.
Stay Curious About Their Perspective
Look at everything through their eyes. That lipstick on the coffee cup that annoys you? For your daughter, it's her first magical moment of feeling grown up. That "stupid" thing they're excited to show you? It might seem mundane to you, but it's momentous to them.
Focus on Connection Over Correction
The goal isn't perfect behavior—it's building empathetic human beings who can connect with others. When you make children feel heard and understood, you're teaching them how to extend that same empathy to others.
Parenting with Tactical Empathy® isn't about creating compliant children—it's about raising adults who can navigate relationships with curiosity, understanding, and genuine connection. These skills that serve us in high-stakes negotiations serve us even better in the highest-stakes role we'll ever have: shaping the next generation.
The beautiful truth is that when you listen to a child instead of talking at them constantly, you build their confidence. They realize that what they have to say is important to you, that you care about how the world looks to them, and they start to believe in themselves.
That belief, that empathy, that curiosity—these are the gifts that will serve them long after they've left your home. And they're the same gifts that will keep them coming back, not because they have to, but because they want to share their world with someone who truly sees them.