This is the first publication of a two-part series. Stay tuned for Black Swan Instructor Marcella Oakley’s insights next week.
When most people think about negotiation skills, parenting rarely comes to mind. But for those of us who've mastered Tactical Empathy® in high-stakes professional situations, we've discovered something profound: these same skills that work in boardrooms and crisis situations can revolutionize how we connect with our children and teenagers.
At the Black Swan Group, we've learned that Tactical Empathy® isn't just about raising well-behaved kids—it's about raising empathetic human beings who can navigate the world with curiosity, understanding, and genuine connection.
Triggering Reciprocity By Building Trust
As a mother of three daughters and a former high school teacher, I've seen firsthand how dramatically relationships can shift when you make children feel truly heard and understood. My journey with these skills began when my youngest was four, and the transformation in our family dynamic has been remarkable.
The Power of Listening First
I learned this lesson about listening most clearly with my granddaughter. My daughter came to me terrified, saying, "I'm so scared that you're going to see how my daughter acts, and you're basically going to judge me if she acts like a total brat." I told her, "She's not a brat. She's misunderstood."
When they visited, I did something simple yet powerful: I just listened to my granddaughter. I let her say whatever she wanted to say. I let her lead me around the yard, show me what she wanted to show me, and have control over what we did and what we talked about. When it came time for me to rein it in a little bit, I did that in a very simplistic way—by not ordering her around. Because I had taken the time to build trust with her first, the reciprocity kicked in. She felt obligated to cooperate when I needed her to do something for me.
She was an angel that entire weekend. My daughter asked, "What did you do?" I said, "I just listened to her."
Reciprocity Works at Any Age
Here's what I've discovered: reciprocity works no matter what the age is, no matter what the situation is. You have to understand that everyone wants to feel heard and understood. If you take the time, even with your three-year-old, to make them feel heard and understood, they will pause and listen to you when it's time.
But if you just preach, preach, preach—"Do this, do this, do this"—they don't have any reason to trust you or listen to you, nor do they have the desire. Raising children is basically a long game. You get a good return when you properly invest!
The Magic Moments Matter
I see a lot of parents miss magical moments because they're so blasé about things that feel significant to their children. When my daughter came home from preschool talking about "the little brown boy and the little brown girl," I didn't interrupt her or correct her language. I just let her talk. She didn't understand color in people yet—it was just a descriptor for her to keep kids straight in her mind.
If you look at things from their perspective and validate that perspective, they learn that you believe what they say is important. They're more willing to share with you. But if you negate what they say or put a negative spin on it because you're well-lived and know "this might seem magic now, but just wait a couple years," you take the wonder out of things. You also demonstrate to them that you aren’t open to hearing their thoughts without judging them. This leads to them not talking to you.
Remember: kids can read you like a book. They’re still in the intuition phase. Those 20 million bits of information truly speak to them. They trust their guts because they haven’t yet been chastised for doing that. As a responsible parent you should nourish that intuition and lead by example with empathy.
Preparing for the Tough Conversations
When it comes to more challenging conversations—like dealing with bullying—I’ve used C.A.V.I.AA.R. to prepare. C.A.V.I.AA.R. is our acronym for Curiosity, Accept, Vent, Identify, Accusations Audits and Remember. This is a mindset necessary for every sensitive conversation. Kids who are being bullied are always on the defensive because bullies make them feel like they have to justify their behavior. You have to be able to get around those defenses.
As an Assertive parent, when my daughter was being bullied, my first instinct was to rain down hell fire on some kids and some teachers before I went straight for the principal. I had to stop and take time to vent first so I didn't approach anyone with that chip on my shoulder.
You need to stay curious about where your kids are in the process. Just because you're the parent doesn't mean you understand everything from their perspective. You have to really sit back and gauge where they are and what's happening from their viewpoint before you automatically go preaching about what your perspective is.
Note from Sandy: I'm also planning a future article specifically about using these skills for classroom management and connecting with students—stay tuned for that deep dive into educational applications.
Next week, Black Swan Instructor Marcella Oakley will continue this conversation from here. She’ll share her perspective on creating connection through curiosity in parent-child relationships. Don’t miss it…