You’ve probably walked into a negotiation already convinced you knew the outcome. Maybe you assumed you knew the other side’s position, their motives, or even their bottom line. I know I have made this mistake, and this has left both sides of the communication feeling unfulfilled or even worse, hurt the relationship.
In contrast, when you walk into a negotiation filled with a curious mindset, you invite dialogue, discovery, and collaboration.
While I was a hostage negotiator, we safely resolved crisis situations over 93% of the time. These successful resolutions didn’t come from assuming we understood what led to the crisis. Success was not the result of negotiators demanding people surrender, or demanding compliance. Instead, safe and effective crisis resolutions were built on a foundation of Tactical Empathy®, using curiosity as our guide.
Hostage negotiators developed rapport by listening deeply and seeking to understand the human being on the other side. Even in the most high-stakes situations, curiosity dissolved barriers that assumptions would have reinforced.
As a hostage negotiator, there were many calls when I could never see myself in the shoes of the person in crisis. I was a tenured cop, and many of the people I spoke with were violent criminals or were under investigation for heinous crimes. But I quickly learned I didn’t need to share the same experiences as the person in crisis. I did not need to agree or even like the person. Instead, I knew one universal truth: every human being has a burning desire to be heard and understood. This universal recognition guided me to begin with a hypothesis, not an assumption.
My mindset became: Why are they here? Why are they saying that? How did they get here? What is the motivation behind their behavior? By staying curious, I allowed their perspective to unfold without any judgment or any pre-determined outcomes. I let the person in crisis explain their perspective. I did not need to worry about saying the perfect thing. Curiosity showed up in how I listened.
I focused less on what I was going to say next and more on the words, emotions, and silences of the other person speaking. My focus shifted from me and my perspective, and onto them and what they were trying to tell me through their words, emotions, behaviors and situational dynamics. Using my intuition, I focused on what was being said and reflected their feelings back with Labels™:
“It seems like this situation feels overwhelming.”
“It sounds like you feel trapped by the choices in front of you.”
“It feels like no one really understands what you’re going through.”
“It sounds like this is not how you had planned this day to unfold.”
And then I let Dynamic Silence™ do the work. When people are given the space, they correct, confirm, and expand on what they really mean. They lead the conversation; curiosity just holds the door open.
A curiosity mindset shifts the focus from speaking to listening. Negotiation isn’t about having the right script or saying the perfect words to solve a situation. It’s about removing yourself as a threat, listening with your whole body, and letting intuition guide your responses. A slow cadence, a calm tone, and an open mindset can transform the outcome.
Negotiation is not about outsmarting or overpowering the other party. It’s about creating understanding. Before your next negotiation, whether it’s a high-stakes deal or a simple conversation at home, ask yourself: Am I assuming what is happening with my counterpart, or am I curious about seeing the world from their perspective?
Choose curiosity. It’s the path that makes understanding, connection, and resolution so easily achievable.
Whether in business, leadership, or daily conversations, the same principles apply. Before your next negotiation or difficult conversation:
1. Check your mindset: Ask yourself:Am I operating from assumption, judgment, or curiosity?
2. Listen with intention: Focus on their words, their tone, the situational dynamics, and what they have left unsaid.
3. Remove yourself as a threat: Keep your cadence calm and your tone low to help your counterpart think at the highest level. The brain is 31% more efficient when it's in a positive state.5. Tactical Empathy® First: Listen, recognize and demonstrate the perspective of your counterpart, and vocalize that recognition. Sequencing: Tactical Empathy® first, then problem solving.