Why Tone Is the Secret Weapon of Negotiation

Most people expect negotiations to be difficult and attacking. They put their boxing gloves on to gear up for a fight. But here's what immediately comes to mind when I think about tone as a secret weapon: when you're cool, calm, and collected while the other person comes out swinging, it throws them off their game. It's hard to attack somebody who's not attacking back.

The Power of Staying Calm

When people are passionate about something or want to throw the first blow, and you start with a softer, more conversational tone, it begins to diffuse them. They can't keep up their aggressive energy. They start coming down, coming down, coming down, and slowly they'll reach a level where you're actually able to communicate.

Think about it - when two people are shouting at each other in an argument, what gets accomplished? I'm trying to be louder than the guy I'm talking to, and they're trying to be louder than me. Neither one of us is really listening. But when I bring my tone down to where it's calm and even-keeled, I’m no longer coming off as a threat to the other person.

As hostage negotiators, we did this all the time. You get into a situation where the person is screaming at you, hollering at you, "You better do this or else!" It's fear, or it's what's worked for them in the past, so they resort to what they know. But when you don't come across like that, slowly but surely you'll notice their energy coming down, and next thing you know, you're having a conversation.

Understanding the Three Tones

At The Black Swan Group, we teach three primary tones, and each serves a specific purpose:

The Assertive Tone is the worst tone to use. It turns people off. Assertives may not be trying to attack you - they're just trying to get their point across - but Analysts and Accommodators take offense to it. They think it's an attack, that they're being put down or challenged.

The Analyst Tone is really good when you really want to make a point. That's the late-night FM DJ voice where you slow down your cadence. I always talk a little lower so that people have to lean in. You see that with their body language because they want to hear what you have to say, and you enunciate every word.

The Accommodator Tone should be used 80% of the time in conversation. That's a friendly tone. People like to say playful, but it's not necessarily playful - it sounds like you have a smile on your face. When you talk to people this way, they think, "Okay, this guy is friendly, he's somebody I could talk to."

Tone Makes or Breaks the Other Black Swan Skills

Chris Voss often says that none of the other Black Swan skills work if you don't have your tone right. That's Right™! You can use the same Label™ with all three tones, and it lands completely differently.

For example, take the Label "It sounds like you have a reason for saying that."

With an Assertive tone, it comes out almost attacking, like you're putting them on the defensive. It's not inviting or warm.

With an Analyst tone, it comes across as though you've given it a lot of thought and want to hear their reason to see if it lines up with your research.

With an Accommodator tone, it comes across as curious - like you need help figuring out the why.

Same sentence, but people will hear it differently based on your tone. We get this all the time when people say, "I used 'It seems like you have a reason for saying that' and they got mad at me." I ask, "How'd you say it?" They demonstrate, and I tell them, "That's why - your tone was off. You were attacking them."

The Elements That Matter Most

People often think tone is just about volume, but at The Black Swan Group, we teach that it's made up of Pitch, Pace, Timbre, and Rhythm.

For new negotiators, the hardest element to master is Pace. As a new negotiator, you can't wait to get your point across. So as soon as the person finishes, instead of giving it some thought, you want to jump right in. When you rush through what you have to say, you sound desperate. And when you sound desperate, people can sense that. Your Pace will help you sound confident because you have time to think about what you're going to say next.

When Text Messages Go Wrong: The Key and Peele Lesson

Text messages don't have a tone except for what the person reading it gives to it. There's a brilliant Key and Peele video that perfectly illustrates this point.

In the video, two friends are texting about meeting up. One friend is relaxed, just chilling at home. He types casual messages like "Sorry dude, missed your texts" and "Whatever, I don't care." To him, these are friendly, laid-back responses.

But his friend is having a completely different day. He reads these same messages as hostile and aggressive. "Whatever, I don't care" becomes fighting words. By the time they meet, one friend has worked himself into a rage, ready for a street fight - while the other just wants to buy the first round of drinks.

The lesson? Two people had two different days, and their mindset completely changed how they interpreted the exact same words. One is thinking, "This is my buddy," while the other is thinking, "This guy is disrespecting me." How often does this happen even in face-to-face conversations? Assertives think their tone is right on point because they're just being direct, but everyone else takes it as negative.

The Bottom Line

"Man, he didn't get rattled.”

When you can maintain the right tone, people look at you differently. They think, "Who is this person? What do they know that I don't?" They start second-guessing themselves. You're a great negotiator when you can get people to negotiate against themselves, and using the right tone with the right skills gets people to think about what they're saying.

For important conversations, work towards in-person communication whenever possible, as you can better hear the person's tone and they can hear yours. At the end of the day, tone isn't just about how you say something - it's about creating the conditions where real communication can happen.

And remember: don't mistake kindness for weakness. An Accommodating tone might sound soft, but when paired with strong negotiation skills, it becomes your secret weapon.