From Rapport to Influence: Building Trust in Negotiations

When I think about effective negotiation, I often break it down into two critical phases: building rapport and establishing influence. But what exactly do these terms mean, and how do we transition from one to the other?

Defining Rapport in Negotiation

Let's start with rapport. The Oxford Dictionary defines it as "a close and harmonious relationship in which the people or groups concerned understand each other's feelings or ideas and communicate well." This echoes what we at Black Swan call Tactical Empathy^®.

To simplify further, rapport is having a relationship where each party trusts the other party's intentions. They don't feel there's any ill intent or manipulation. If somebody suggests something, they'll hear it out. In a negotiation, rapport is really just trust - do you trust what the other side is telling you, suggesting, or recommending, and is there a clear line of communication?

The Core Four: Tools for Building Rapport

Building rapport primarily comes through using the Core Four: Labels™, Mirrors™, Dynamic Silence™, and Summary™. These tools help us understand motivations, underlying emotions, feelings, and perspectives. But how do you know when you've built strong rapport?

To really know you have strong rapport requires a Summary that gets an emotional buy-in response. We term it the "That's Right" moment, but it doesn't have to be those exact words - as long as there's emotional buy-in. When you can summarize somebody's perspective and they respond with "That's Right" or something equivalent, you're on solid ground with trust and rapport established.

Moving Toward Influence

Now, let's talk about influence. The pure definition of influence is "the capacity to have an effect on the character, development, or behavior of someone or something, or the effect itself." Once you've built rapport, influence comes into play when you begin suggesting ideas, pointing in a certain direction, or making recommendations and achieving buy-in from the other party.

If there's not buy-in, then the question becomes: do you truly have rapport built with this person? If somebody trusts you, they will listen to your ideas. If somebody pokes holes in your ideas, that tells me they don't trust you for some reason.

The Ebb and Flow Between Rapport and Influence

It's important to note that this isn't always a linear process. In a perfect world, building rapport leads you to having influence. But once you step into that circle of influence, there may be ideas that you mention or suggestions that you make that create uncertainty for the other side. When that happens, you may need to circle back to rapport-building techniques to address those specific concerns.

Trust-Based Influence: The Gold Standard

What's the ultimate goal? Trust-based influence. Trust-based influence is like a combination of rapport and influence sandwiched together. As Chris often says, trust-based influence is the kind of influence that requires the least maintenance. It's a level where if I say "we're going right instead of left," you simply say "okay" without questioning my judgment.

Few people achieve trust-based influence in business relationships because it takes time and effort. You may have trust, but that level of uncertainty is always going to be there if you don't have true trust-based influence.

Key Skills for Establishing Influence

So what skills are most effective for moving into influence? The Core Four are still viable, but your focus can also shift to Accusation Audits™ and Calibrated Questions™. Accusations Audits tamp down any potential uncertainty that remains unspoken, and Calibrated Questions allow the other side to come up with my solution for me.

At a higher level, I would rather ask the other side what and how questions to get them to the conclusion I want on their own. For example: "How do you envision this taking place?" or "What's your perspective on this direction?" - slowly leading them to where you want to go.

The Power of Tone in Negotiation

Tone also plays a crucial role in this transition. As you're building rapport, if I didn't have friendliness or curiosity to my tone, you probably wouldn't engage in the conversation. Whereas, if we were in the influence part and I was too upbeat or friendly, it could feel like I'm trying to talk you into something you're hesitant about. Generally, use an Accommodator tone during rapport-building, and an Analyst tone during the influence stage, especially when discussing critical implementation, dollar figures, or sensitive parts of the conversation.

Recovering from Negotiation Blunders

What if things go wrong? If you feel like you had great rapport with someone and now it's not the same, or if they're not accepting your influence, the Accusations Audit will save you. Acknowledge the fact that something you did has hurt the relationship: "Clearly, I've said something to weaken the trust we had."

Take Your Time with the Process

Remember, this doesn't all have to happen in one conversation. A lot of people think “I've got to build rapport in this first conversation, then convince them this is a good idea.? But depending on the situation, you might want to save your influencing for a different conversation.

The key is not to rush the process. Take the time to build genuine rapport first, then move toward influence and ultimately trust-based influence. Your negotiations will be more effective, and the relationships you build will stand the test of time.